some secrets have already gone to the grave. what i've done is just about the stupidest thing that any human being can do. >> arnold. think you've heard his whole story? well, wait until you hear this. >> i love of maria. she has been truly the only love that i've ever had. >> tonight, arnold schwarzenegger intensely honest. >> i say to myself, you totally screwed up, arnold. you totally failed the family, and you have done all of this stuff and caused all this pain. >> the scandal is far from the even of the story. this is a man who turned politics on its head as governor of california. and what does arnold schwarzenegger want to hear from the candidates? >> how are they going to bring the parties together?

plus, have you seen chelsea lately? nobody knows what the hell they're getting into when they're running for president. >> one of my favorite guests are back. >> i'm single, yes. >> men watching this -- >> yeah, i'm available. just call me maybe. >> that's funny. feisty as ever with a new look for her talk show. this is "piers morgan tonight." arnold schwarzenegger has always been bigger than life, bodybuilder, hollywood superstar, married into royalty and a governor of california. i first interviewed him in the early '90s. since then he's seen the end of his wife maria shriver and also political career in california. welcome, arnold. >> thank you. >> i imagine what it must be like to be you the past year. i saw i and maria a few days

before the balloon came up on this scandal. i talked to you and i've interviewed you several times. since then, your whole life completely changed. i wouldn't say self-imploded but it must feel like that sometimes. what has it been like to be you in the past year? >> i always have been very successful in my professional life. that's what the book is about, "total recall," about the extraordinary immigrant story, coming here with nothing and getting to the point where i am. you know, being successful in body building and successful in films and successful in the political arena. and also at the same time i had an extraordinary personal life where everything was perfect. so all of a sudden from one day to the next, the personal life totally crashed.

and i wiped out everything that i had, the thing that i cherished the most in my personal life was my marriage, my family. i always thought it was one of my greatest accomplishmentses. then all of a sudden it was gone when all of this became public with mildred and joseph and all that. so now, since that point, i've been struggling with that and it has been very tough because, even though my professional life and my career and everything has continued and i have made enough movies and all that since then and speeches and gotten very heavily involved in promoting the environment and so on, but nothing is the same anymore because my personal life has been destroyed. and so -- and destroyed because of stupidity, bad decision making, and huge failure on my part. and made a lot of people suffer because of that.

so all of that is always on my mind. >> have you been taken aback by the extremity of some of the reaction? people treating you almost will like a mass murderer, you know, how dare you commit this hideous crime, when actually you did what millions of men have done. i'm not excusing it, defending it, anything. i'm just trying to put it into some type of context, that at times you've been so battered by this. have you felt it's been too much or not? >> you know, i never tell the press what to write and what to say. i mean, they do what they do, and i do what i do. you know, i think that it is my doing. they didn't create the story. no one out there created the story. i created it. it's my doing. now, i did not ever experience the severity that you just explained, but then again, you like to be a little over the top. that's okay. >> and you're probably not reading half of it, i would imagine.

>> i would say i don't read any of it, no. >> i've been through a divorce. i've been fired from a high-profile job back in britain. i've been through very difficult times in my life. and the old cliche, you find out who your real friends are, i found to be very true. some people ran for the hills on both occasions, others ran towards me to help, when i least expected some of them to. how have you found it? and who's been the rocks, if you'd like, for you in this? >> i think there's a tremendous amount of people that have shown great support, and then there's aa lot of people that have let me know that they're disappointed. and it's perfectly fine. including my children, that they're disappointed in the action and inevitably my wife was very disappointed. and so, look, it's my -- it's my fault. there's no one else to blame for it. i wouldn't even begin to start pointing a finger at anybody because the reality of it is, i

created my career and all of those kind of things and the relationship and all of this, but i also screwed up badly and i take the full blame for it. and the key thing now is to kind of like, you know, figure out, how do i build all of this back? how do i gain the trust of the children again and have a good relationship with the kids, which is so important to me? i love my kids dearly, and i love maria. i mean, i love maria. she has been truly the only love that i've ever had, and that's what is so pitiful about it. it's one thing if you have a situation like that and you say, well, i was ready to get out of the situation anyway, out of this marriage. but that's not the case. she was the most perfect wife, and she was extraordinary. >> you've hinted in some of the interviews you've given that you hope to get back with maria, in fact you've gone a bit further. you say from her side this may be something she may wish. do you think there's a good

chance you could get back together? >> i cannot speak for maria. she needs to speak for herself. i can only tell you that i hope that eventually we can rebuild the relationship and that we will be together as one family. >> what people find most incomprehensible is that somebody as successful as you, somebody as rich as you, as politically motivated as you were at the time, would take such an extraordinary risk. was it actually more complex? was it that the risk you were taking seemed one of the safest says risks you could take, it was somebody in your home who you could trust, wouldn't tell anybody? was it more that? >> i would say that it makes no difference. you know, it makes no difference what was going through my mind at the time. it doesn't clean up the mess. it doesn't soften the blow to my family.

i mean, what i have done is just about the stupidest thing any human being can do. that's the reality. >> did it feel like it at the time? did you know what you were doing? did you know -- >> no. because you always think, you know -- you don't think about the consequences, no. >> the book doesn't make clear whether this was a one off or happened more than once, it was a relationship. what was the reality of that? >> i think the book goes into the details of the whole thing, and i think that people when they read it will get an understanding of what the whole thing was about. and i leave it at that because i think that i have talked about it enough and every time i do talk about it, it causes pain to my children and all of that. i don't want to dwell on it. >> i was going to ask you that. i've got four kids, and if i was in your position and had written a book about it, i can't imagine

it's easy, your relationship with them you've already said has been very difficult since this. i can't imagine this process helps that. i mean, it does prompt the question, why did you go into that kind of detail in the book? because you have got the kids there. they are going to read. they're going to see the interviews. it sort of compounds it slightly for them. >> yes. first of all, the autobiography has been something we've talked about for 20 years. simon & schuster who i've done all my books with always wanted me to do after i wrote a successful book on body building called "encyclopedia of modern bodybuilding," they wanted me to do theautobiography. in the '90s i was too businesses zi with movies to da that. also, i felt like my story isn't interesting enough. but after the governorship, i felt like it is an interesting story, and this was before the scandal ever came out. we started talking again to simon & schuster.

and kept going down that road, maybe i should after i'm finished with the governorship, sit down and write this autobiography. it's a difficult time to go back in my life because i was always a person going forward, dreams, vision, go after it, the next one and the next one and so on. and so i did it. i thought that, now with the governorship, there's an interesting story. but at the same time there's the scandal. so there was now a choice that i had to make, do i want to make this a book about the success story of my life or do i want to go and really write about my life and write about all of the failures, all of the wrong decisions that i've made, on a personal level and a professional level and also the success story. and i decided i'm going to put all of it in the book and try to be as honest as possible about the good and the batd. that's exactly what it is about. and also, i have to tell you, if

those questions don't come up now and if this issue doesn't come out now, for instance, with the book, it will come up when the next movie comes out. it will come out when the -- >> so you would have had to deal with it. >> at one point or another -- look, i've always been a person who faces the consequences, and i don't believe in running the other way. i don't believe in hiding. i don't believe in avoiding those questions and stuff like that. but at the same time i've -- i would like to go into every minute detail, but because there's children out there and because there's a family, i don't want to go any further than that. i think i've caused enough pain to them, which i feel terrible about. >> let's take a break. i want to find out what your advice may be for mitt romney and barack obama.

i'm a friend of sarah conner. i was told she was here, can i see her, please? >> no, can't see her, she's making a statement. >> where is she? >> it may take a while. want to wait, there's a bench over there. >> i'll be back. >> arnold schwarzenegger in the role that launched a million

imitations. 1994's "terminator." literally you are back. do you feel that you could go back into politics after all that's happened or is that now like the bodybuilding, done? >> well, you know, i have really no interest to go and run for office or anything like that. i jumped into the race because i felt that california was in a disastrous situation, and i felt that it was time for someone from outside the box to come in and not the typical politician, that people were really looking for somebody like that, someone that is in the middle and that really wts to go and fix the problems rather than thinking about every decision in a political way. and i also always had the urge of giving back because i felt like that this country has given me everything that i have. careerwise, on a personal level, and it is truly the land of opportunity. and that's why i was involved in special olympics and creating

after-school programs, passing initiatives in california to get $500 million more for after-school programs. >> was it harder than you thought it would be, being governor? >> well, first let me just tell you that i didn't care what it takes in order to fix the state. i just wanted to dive in and do everything that i could to fix the problems. of course, when you get in there, because you're dealing with politics, you go in with a long list of ambitious goals. every governor does that, obviously, every president does that. if you finish half of them, you're lucky. that's exactly -- i was lucky that i was able to finish half, maybe a little bit more than half or whatever. i was able to do a lot. but again, it was very frustrating that certain things that i had as a goal, like for instance, fixing the financial problem of california, never got really fixed. because as soon as we did have one year down to a balanced budget, then came the economic crisis, the world crisis, and we lost kind of the jobs that we

had created, the budget deficit went up again through the roof, all of those things. but that's why i created also the schwarzenegger institute at usc, so that i can continue on those policies and solve problems in the future, even though i'm out of office. so continuing to be a public servant. >> people have been hard on mitt romney, being rich and successful. what do you think of that? are you surprised that america, the country that gave you the opportunity to become what you are, they would now turn on somebody who has accomplished what they used to call the american dream. >> as you know, john f. kennedy came from a very rich family, but the democrats don't want to talk about that. i don't want to get into that.

i have run for office and what is being said on the other side and what you say about the other side cannot be taken for real. they don't believe that that is a bad thing that he was successful. nor does i think the romney side think sometimes what they accuse obama of. you cannot take this seriously. this is a political year, there's a campaign going on. they will try to do anything they can and especially the other groups out there who paint each other in the most horrible way, that's the way politics is. and for some reason or the other, negative ads play better than positive ads. therefore, you will always play the negative ads. >> i know you haven't decided who you're going to vote for in four weeks' time, but right now, if you had to vote tomorrow, who would you vote for? >> i have to first listen to the debates and then -- >> so they're that important to you. >> it's very important. to me, the debates were absolutely important. there were times when i made a

decision way before, like president bush, because of the relationship of the kind of things that he has done for california, for instance, the kind of working relationship that we had and the history and also with senator mccain, i jumped in as soon as he declared because he has been a friend. and he has always been a senator who has tried to work on immigration reform, work on the environmental issues and energy issues and all the things i stand for. he was there in 2003 when i ran in the recall. he was there in 2005 for the special election, 2006 for the reelection and when we tried to pass environmental legislation to reduce greenhouse gas. he was very supportive in every step of the way so i jumped in and helped him right from the beginning. >> if you had been president four years ago, instead of barack obama, things have been different, you could have been if you had been born here. who knows. if you had been, do you honestly

think you could have done any better than barack obama has done, inheriting such a huge financial mess? is the reality that whoever took over was going to be pretty much where he is now? what do you think? >> we maybe would have done things a little differently, but i can guarantee you that the president is doing everything that he can to solve the problems. i cannot imagine that president obama is sitting there and saying to himself, let me not fix this or let me have this fail. there's no such thing. i think that when you sit in this office like i sat as governor in my office, you work and you worry about those things day and night. many times you have sleepless nights and you worry about those things and you try to solve it. it's not that easy. it is a very, very difficult job. i think he has done as good of a job as he could do.

he did it his way and they did it their way. i think that mitt romney has done a great job as governor of massachusetts and he's a very talented guy and very good in what he does. so, look, we've got to look at both of those characters, both of those candidates, and really listen to them very carefully and not do a personality test or who is the most likeable, which usually always happens. but, i mean, what is the substance behind all that? >> let's take a short break. we'll come back and talk about movies. how you went from a tiny place in austria to a famous bodybuilder to a famous hollywood star. thank you, i want to know the secret.oa ay show megapixels place to sleep little roadster war and peace deep sea diving ninja app hipster glasses 5% cash back sign up to get 5% everywhere online through december. only from discover.

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we know you have to rise early... and work late, with not enough sleep in between. how you sometimes need to get over to that exit, like, right now. and how things aren't... just about you anymore. introducing the all-new, smart-sensing... honda accord. it starts with you. arnold schwarzenegger's new book is called "total recall." extraordinary story. you know, however it's ended up this year, if you go back before all the scandal broke, really one of the most extraordinary career paths i've ever read. you're a guy who came from nothing, born in a small austrian town, tiny house, no

plumbing, toilets, shower, or phone. yet you begin to get on this journey that brings you to america. you become the number one bodybuilder in the world, the number one movie star in the world, then a great politician, governor of the biggest state in the country. when you go back to that little boy, arnold schwarzenegger, what was it about you, do you think, that gave you the drive to achieve all this? >> i think that i had the most extraordinary talent in visualizing. i always as a kid had the vision, and the vision was so real that i really felt that i can accomplish and turn those visions into reality. of course, i recognized very quickly that that means a lot of work. a hell of a lot of work. and i was willing to do that. so when i saw myself as a bodybuilding champion and i saw the first photographs of a british bodybuilder by the name

of reg park, and i read that he became hercules in the movies and how much he trained and how he won the mr. universe contest three times and all that, to me, this was the road map for me to go and do exactly the same thing. to train five hours a day, become mr. universe. that's of course a lot of mr. universe. but i was -- i progressed and had so much talent and so much will and so much fire in my belly that i became, with the age of 20, the youngest mr. universe ever. and from then on i won one world championship title after the next, and basically dominated everything. but it was having that vision in front of me and chasing that vision so when i trained in the gym and everyone was running around, huffing and puffing, i had a smile on my face in the gym.

i couldn't wait to do the next squat with 400 pounds. i couldn't wait to do the next 20 chin-ups. i couldn't wait to do the next 500 sit-ups. because, to me, that meant one step closer to achieving that vision and turning that vision into reality. >> can you still do the 400-pound stuff? >> i cannot do the 400-pound stuff anymore. >> what's the most you lift these days? >> i lift every day. but after my heart surgery the doctors said, don't lift any more heavy. now i do more repetitions in training. >> your idea of a lightweight and mine are probably very different things. what's your idea of a light weight these days? >> i do lifting with 150, 200 pounds. >> just 150, 200 pounds. >> yeah. >> it would break my back. >> 500 sit-ups and leg raises. >> how many sit-ups? >> 500 sit-ups and leg raises. >> 500 sit-ups, really? >> ride the bicycle every day for an hour. i exercise every day. but remember, especially when you do movies, when you have to

do those stunts and you have to do the action, nobody cares that you're 65 years old. you still have to do it. you still have to be in there. >> especially in "the expendables" where they're all built like brick outhouses. >> they're all in great shape. >> if you all got in a room together and had a fight, "the expendables," who would win? a real fight, straight fight. >> whatever the director says. >> sylvester stallone, sly's been a very good friend of yours for a very long time. most saturdays in beverly hills you go to the same cafe and you have lunch. he's told me it's very competitive. one turns up with a big watch, next week the other one turns up with a bigger watch, one of those competitive relationships. i imagine he's been a great support to you in the last year, then he himself was hit by this appalling tragedy of his son dying. i would imagine you've been equally supportive back. tell me about your relationship. >> it's an interesting relationship because we started out kind of friendly. when he was in the very beginning, we shared the same

agency, the same agent and everything, he was into working out, i was into working out. but then eventually it became very competitive. you know, he was doing, you know, "rocky." i was doing the "pumping iron" movie. both movies became very popular. i continued on. he took off much faster after the "rocky" movie. he won the golden globe, the oscar. the film was a huge hit, all this. and since then, we've been competing. we've been chasing each other. he came out and started using the big machine gun, i in the next movie "commando" had to use a bigger machine gun. then we started competing on who can kill the most people on the screen, who could kill them the moves creative ways. it went on and on. who has more box office success, who could do more movies a year. it was crazy. the '80s was about total competition, who could outdo t next guy. it was really terrific in a way, even though it was not good for our relationship, but it was terrific because it inspired me.

he was a true inspiration for me, and he got inspired to outdo me, so he performed better. it was the competition that made us perform and go all-out. then we started the chain planet hollywood. he came to robert earl and said, i'm in, i want to be in. bruce willis said, i want to be in. then they came to me and they said, we want you to be in. what do you think about working with all three? i said, that would be terrific. and we got together, we formed this partnership, and from then on, we became really close friends. on each trip we went, we got closer and closer. i got to really understand him, you know, how talented he is. >> he's a great guy. >> so many people just see, you know, his action movies. but how talented he is in directing. how talented he is in writing. and then especially in his art, painting, all this. >> he's's a great painter, yes. >> so he's so good in so many different things.

>> i don't want to repeat the question but i was just curious how it's been for you two this year, when you've been -- >> we have both been very supportive. he has been very supportive, you know, and helped me. and i've been very supportive to him. and you're right, i mean, he has had a terrible tragedy that was beyond his control. mine was self-inflicted, but his was without any doubt -- it just happened. his half-sister, stepsister passed away, his son passed away and all that. i can imagine what all of this feels like. as a matter of fact, i can't really imagine what it is like to lose a child. >> no, i can't either. >> because the amount of love i have for my children, to find out from one day to the next, from one minute to the next, they're gone is a horrible kind of news that you get. and he was devastated, you know. he was crying. and he was like really out.

and i could really feel it. so i called him, obviously, and met with him, talked with him several times, tried to help as much as i can to help him out of this. >> was it cathartic doing the book, after you read it through, were you glad you had done it? even though you may get criticized from certain quarters. >> i think that it was a great idea to do the book. i think that my story is really an interesting story. as you said earlier, to come over here with absolutely nothing, to grow up after the second world war with the brutalities and every man being angry in austria, feeling like losers. they've lost the war, all this kind of thing. occupied by great britain and by the soviet union, by russia, france, and america. and it was really tough in the beginning. then to come over here and to be part of this great country and enjoy the land of opportunity and people receiving you with

open arms and that everything that i have accomplished here to go up that ladder and to accomplish all of those things and to travel the world and to meet the most extraordinary people, political leaders, nelson mandela, and to spend time in his prison cell, to talk to him about forgiveness and all those things, to work on special olympics with him, and with gorbachev about his time in office, you know, with bill clinton and george bush and to spend all of this time with george bush at camp david and to do horseshoe throwing, skeet and trap shooting, to sit in the oval office and to listen to his meetings -- >> amazing moments for a guy from -- an unknown kid from austria. >> it's unbelievable, that ride. and the book also deals with the determination and the fanaticism and the competitiveness. and always keeping the eye on the ball.

and i even have -- you know, the 15 arnold rules and everything that helped me get through and to get to where i am today. so that is what the book is about. >> whatever you've done in your life, when you've wanted something badly enough, you've tended to get there. you clearly would like to repair your marriage, as you said, to the one and only love of your life really. if maria is watching this, and she might well be watching this, what would you say to her? >> i'd just say sorry for what i've done, you know, and i want to win her back and to hope, even though she talks about forgiveness forgiveness, that she really can forgive and we can be together. >> do you think -- do you deserve to be forgiven, do you think? >> i think everyone deserves to be forgiven and get a break, yes. i do. then it's up to me what i do with that.

>> you've always been very good to me, arnold, over the years. you've given me many interviews. you've always been very supportive to me in my career. i'm not going to join the ranks of people trampling on you right now. it's a fascinating book. it's riveting, the story. you're brutally honest about what happened in the last year. i wish you all the very best. i hope you do manage to sort things out with maria. in the end nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in people's marriages. >> thank you. >> i think the contrition you've shown is sincere. i wish you all the very much. >> thank you very much. thank you. >> arnold schwarzenegger. >> arnold schwarzenegger. you spoke at the dnc. things have been a little strange. (sfx: sound of piano smashing) roadrunner: meep meep. meep meep? (sfx: loud thud sound) what a strange place. geico®. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.

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you spoke at the dnc. congratulations. >> thank you. >> very well done. >> it was a mess. i was so nervous. >> were you? >> yes. it was so energizing and being there. like the platform was shaking, that's how crazy the crowd was. >> i don't like speaking publicly when i don't have to be funny. >> two of my favorite ladies in hollywood talking about my favorite subject, politics. chelsea's talk show reveals its new stage october 15th at universal studios. she's back with me now for round three of our interview xpang

exchanges. >> i've missed you so much. >> miss handler, how are you? >> i'm desperate to see you. >> i'm sickened to see you because you have a spanking new stage at vast expense which apparently will house like 250 people and you sign some gargantuan new deal worth tens and tens of millions of dollars. so therefore i loath and despise the very sight of you. >> you're so angry. well, you shouldn't be so competitive. we're not even in the same field. this is like a cartoon show and i'm a serious journalist. >> let's be serious. congratulations first of all. >> thank you. i'm very excited about the new stage. first of all, this is my first time to your new york home. you have a good thing going, too. we're stepping it up. we have a new look and it's going to be cooler and chiccer and i'm really excited. i feel really, really positive about it. >> and you have to behave yourself better now that you have a bigger audience and more money and bigger stage, more corporate responsibility?

>> do you think i would ever agree to something like that? no. the whole point to remain on cable is to be true to who i am, a bad, bad girl who got a big job. >> what do you make of the election race? >> i can't take it seriously enough to think it's a threat, but then people will say, that's so silly. >> will you vote? >> of course. i think the vote comes to me and then i probably write it. i may go physically to vote, though. i never know until the day of. i just have to look at my calendar and see what's scheduled for me. of course i'll vote and i'm voting for obama. i can't believe mitt romney could win this election, but i'm also in a state of mind that that would be so aappalling to me. i can't believe it could be true. >> he's been working the you don't understand me ticket. let's look at him on kelly and michael. >> honey boo boo or snooki? >> do you know who they are?

>> i'm kind of a snooki fan. look how tiny she's gotten. she's lost weight and she's energetic. just her spark plug personality. >> he's never heard of honey boo boo or snooki. someone's told him. >> no. he's watching honey boo boo and snooki back-to-back. they say every election is crucial yes, it's crucial but a lot can't get done in four years anyway, but if worse came to worse, if we had this guy for four years, i doubt it would be that easily affected. i think you need two terms as president. i think obama needs two terms to prove what he can do. >> i think about that. four years is probably never enough for anybody to do very much as president. if you come in, the first thing you do is get a whole new staff, you start to bring in policies. then just at the moment they're

coming to fruition, you're in or out. eight years seem to me unless the president incumbent is so useless he has to go, really you need that length of time. >> i agree. and like we were saying backstage, if it wasn't for the 22nd amendment is it that bill clinton would be president again because he obviously knows what he's talking about and people feel confident with him. but i do believe in barack obama. i do believe his message. i haven't lost faith in him. and i think that, you know -- it's not an easy thing to do. nobody knows what the hell they're getting into when they're running for president. you don't know what job you're getting into hosting a show like this. we're not having a huge impact. i mean, you are, i guess. >> you have a huge impact. >> i have a huge impact with young girls, young women. that's my demographic. >> and young men. >> older men especially. older men like me. you can vouch for that. >> oh, you enjoyed that one,

didn't you? >> yes, i did! >> kelsey grammer was on the show the other day and he bailed -- >> oh, my gosh, i'm dying to know what happened. >> i'll tell you what happened. he was out there and i was given a set of questions and i researched it he was quite happy to talk about his ex-wife camille. then he was in the greenroom and actually saw a picture of him and her popping up in the open to the show, and he saw a rehearsal of it, tried to get us to change it. there wasn't time. we were two minutes from airtime. we open up with five different pitches, one of them with him and camille. he was quite happy to talk about it. he saw the picture and, boom, gone, he and his entourage left the building. leaving me up the creek without the paddle. i just kept teasing he may or may not come back. that was a ratings bonanza. he did better that way. have you ever had anyone bail on you? >> not once they're in the studio. i've had people be late and i bail on them.

i don't put up with that. >> anybody good? >> p. diddy was 40 minutes late. maybe 30. i walked up to the office and said, if he's not here in five minutes, we're running a repeat. he pulled in and i proceeded to rip him a new one on air. but i get a lot of enjoyment on that it because sometimes you want to take out your aggression on someone and he's the perfect person to do that. >> you sound so menacing. >> i am menacing. >> let's take a short break and talk about your love life. >> okay. let's. want to try to crack it? yeah, that's the way to do it! now we need a little bit more... a little bit more vanilla? this is great! [ male announcer ] at humana, we believe there's never been a better time to share your passions... because the results... are you having fun doing this? yeah.

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for many, prescription nexium not only provides 24-hour heartburn relief, but can also help heal acid-related erosions in the lining of your esophagus. talk to your doctor about the risk for osteoporosis-related bone fractures and low magnesium levels with long-term use of nexium. possible side effects include headache, diarrhea, and abminal pain. other serious stomach conditions may still exist. let your doctor do his job. and you do yours. ask if nexium is right for you. if you can't afford your medication, astrazeneca may be able to help. i couldn't stand him by the time i broke up with him that i would just bitch about him and his english accent. then i saw him again the other night and i go, thank you for giving me all that material because without you, i would have had no career. >> perfect. >> it's true. i hope you guys stay together for as long as you want to. >> me, too. >> it's just not likely. >> chelsea handler last week making fun of british accents, which of course not funny at

all. i was half asleep, i was, like, was she talking about me? who were you talking about there? >> why would i ever be talking about you in my spare time. >> who did you have a horrible breakup with? >> i had an english boyfriend for two years. >> how did that go? >> well, it was fine. it was 21 to 23 so i didn't really -- i was volatile like all of my relationships. >> i keep hearing reports that you may have rekindled things with your hotelier ex. >> which one? >> the one with the strange name who runs hotels. andre. >> oh, i don't think so. >> no? >> i don't think so. no. >> you don't think so? >> i don't know about it if i have. no. i'm single. >> you don't think you've got back together with somebody. >> i'm single. yes. >> if men are watching this -- >> yeah, i'm available. just, you know, just call me maybe. >> what i like about you is you're a shameless plagiarist. you've taken the "fifty shades of grey" and you've got a book coming out called 50 shades of chartreuse, this time it's personal.

>> first, you're not pronouncing it correctly. it's "fifty shades of chartreuse." you're on this side of the pond now. >> i'm married to a woman who was born and raised in france. i know how to speak french. >> i'm speaking to put hash tag, this time it's personal. i'm deciding for the subtitle. it's not a takeoff on "fifty shades of grey". i just wanted to rip off the title because it was such a stupid book. >> have you read it? >> i read the first seven chapters. after that i was -- >> was there anything in there you hadn't already done yourself? >> no. believe it or not, i'm actually fairly conservative when it comes to sexual escapades. >> really? >> i know you probably imagined differently and have several nights during the week when you go to bed. but i am not interested in s & m at all. >> seriously? >> are you? >> you surprise me. >> no. i don't want to get hit in bed. if you're going to hit me, do it out in the open. if somebody -- first of all, if somebody does deserve to get hit, it is me but i don't want to do it sexually. >> no manacles? >> no. what is that? obviously you know more about this than i do. >> only from the books. >> did you read the entire

trilogy? >> just -- it's unreadable. why do women want to read this? no offense to the author. she's made billions out of it. but it is one of the most badly written books i've ever read. i read "fifty shades of grey". >> why would you read that? >> out of pure curiosity. every woman i knew was reading this. i go i've got to read this. i don't get it. men would never read that stuff in a million years. >> it's a phenomenon. i don't profess to be any of the most scholarly writer per se. i know my books are really silly and stupid but i at least think they're amusing to some degree. that was just so poorly written. i couldn't even -- it was insulting to anyone's intelligence to read that. then my friends who had suggested that i read it, i e-mailed them like you should be ashamed of yourselves for finishing this kind of book. it's a piece of trash. >> your mate jennifer aniston who has yet to come on my show -- >> gosh, what do you think, i'm her agent? >> i see you as a surrogate booker. if she's out there watching, and i know you are, any time soon would be great.

are you going to make a speech at the wedding? >> at jennifer's wedding? >> yeah. >> i doubt it. >> really? i imagined you would be. >> i don't imagine they would want me to speak at their wedding. i didn't introduce them. i had nothing to do with them getting engaged. that would be a little weird. plus, i'm not great at a wedding. by the time the party starts it's not like i'm speaking clearly. >> you think you will ever get married? >> you know what, i was thinking about that, actually. i was thinking about getting married recently. i've decided that i might consider it. i might. it might be fun to do something like that once. >> i'm glad you're thinking like that. >> yeah. i still don't want to have children, but i would be interested in getting married. >> small acorns. one step at a time. >> find the right person, why not. wedding sounds like a nice little partnership. now that i'm older and have my act together more, i'm 37, i feel like an adult. i don't feel like a kid anymore. i'm very immature still but i feel like i could do that now. like okay, that doesn't sound so scary. >> wow. this is a really historic

interview. >> you seem like totally, yeah, just gob-smacked by it all. >> i'm impressed. you're finally growing up. >> thank you, piers. >> chelsea, it's been lovely to see you. your chelsea lately show weeknights at 11:00 p.m. on e! your new stage debuts at universal studio -- god, that makes me sick -- on october 15th and your new movie "fun size" is in theaters on october 26th. i could not be unhappier for you. >> thank you!

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